The Advice Collumn
by SamanthaSavvy
Summary: Spill your 'eart to ol' Mrs. Lovett. She can 'elp. If there's any'fing ya need, darling, any'fing at all, just tell me. Mrs. Lovett is 'ere t' 'elp.
1. Thursday, June 4, 1856

**The London Post**

**Page A7**

**Lovett's Advice Collumn**

Morning, dearies. Mrs. Lovett here. Now as you all know I own me own Meat Pie Emporium on Fleet Street, but me n' Mr. T could use some extra coinage, so I took it upon me'self to find a second job. I knew a few hardy gent'emen from the loverly London Post who most generously offered me poor bones a job on the writers' staff. So here I am, scribblin' away on a meesely pad of yellowed paper, tryin' to figure somethin' to write 'bout.

It took me two days and a breakfast wiv' my good ol' Toby to come up wiv' somethin' decent, which I'm pretty proud about. An Advice Collumn! I know for a fact all you litt'e society girls who read the paper and go straight to the fashion articles don't think anything else matters besides the boys you're after and the money they spend, but give me a second. I've lived for a good share of years, and I know alot 'bout life and the problems, worries, doubts, ect. that come wiv' it.

Spill your heart to ol' Mrs. Lovett. She can help. If there's any'fing you need, darling, any'fing at all, just tell me. Or perhaps your confused about some'fin' your litt'e mate has said or done, just ask, deary.

Mrs. Lovett is here to help.

-_Eleanor Lovett_


	2. Sunday, June 7, 1856

**The London Post-June 7, 1856**

**Page 7**

**Lovett's Advice Collumn**

"To Mrs L: How do you make any twit fall in love with you, and how do I get hair like yours?"

-Ravencaller

"Ravencaller,

To start off, I am very honored to 'ear that ya like me hair. Unfortunately, it's naturally a rat's nest. Me only suggestion would be t' go for 23 months, 2 weeks and 4 days wif'out brushin' it, and then just throw a coupl'a hair pins in it first thing when ya wake up ev'ry mornin'. Worked well for me.

And about gettin' any twit to fall for ya, I've no real answer for ya. I may be an experienced, wise woman, but I'm no Mother Mary, for Christ's sake."

-Mrs. Lovett

"Okay, I have a guy problem. I have some great friends right? One of them is a guy, his name is Trevor. So, I really like Trevor. He doesn't have a girlfriend or anything, but... I am horribly shy. I want to ask him out, but I can't bring myself to say anything. He thinks of me as a friend, like one of his guy friends. I want him to like me as a girl though, what can I do?"

-Shy and friendly (aka-NelliethePieAngel).

"Shy and Friendly,

I've had that very same ordeal befo'e. I know exactly where you're comin' from, deary. You see, Mr. Barker thought of me as a very fine friend indeed, and I'd always had me eye on 'im, but by the time I'd finally gotten around to talkin' to 'im, he was already taken by that silly lit'le nit, Lucy. Doesn't mean I never gave up 'ope, or stopped tryin'. I kept tryin' wiv all me 'ope that 'e'd notice me eventually and come to 'is senses and realize wot a mistake he was makin' marryin' that twit, Lucy.

My plan of action was jealousy. Me folks 'ad already chosen ol' Albert for me 'usband, so I used 'im to get Benjamin to notice me. I wore me best dresses, did me 'air up in outrageous styles and tried me best to show off, and act like I liked Albert.

If I were you, deary, I'd try to at least work up the age ol' trick: flauntin' your goods, darling. It'll always work. Make sure to get closer than you'd normally get, and push your luck to the limit. You'll never know how far 'e'll go if ya don't try."

-Mrs. Lovett

"Mrs. Lovett, I was wondering, what is the best way to a man's heart? And, how the bloody hell do I get my hair to look like yours? I've tried and tried but I still can't get it right! Also, since we all know that arsenic is not the best way to kill someone, what is a better alternative?"

-SweeneyToddRocksMySocks

"SweeneyToddRocksMySocks,

...Boy, that was a mouthful. Ya ever thought'a shortenin' your name, love? It's quite long.

Anyways, as I said befo'e, I'm no Mother Mary, but I might know a trick or two. How do ya get to a man's 'eart? Through 'is stomach, of course! Try a pie or two (meat or fruit, they both work wonders), and sweeten 'im up wiv compliments and kindness. Or, if that don't do the trick, try the opposite: dirty talkin'. I 'ear it's what you youngsters are up to these days (meself has even tried it a few times). Either way, you'll deffinately get 'im t' notice ya.

And of course arsenic ain't the best way t' kill someone! You got livin' proof, Lucy ain't dead. If I could try it over again, I'd do the dirty work wiv a damn smile on me face; drag 'er down to the bakehouse and chop 'er up t' pieces, then throw 'er remains in the fire. That's pleasure right there, deary, watchin' your enemy tortured and burn t' death."

-Mrs. Lovett

"Dear Miss L,  
My Twin brother told me someting I'm not to happy about today. This guy I HATE likes me. How do I kindly, but forcibly so he gets the message, tell him to leave me alone?"  
-Flame05

"Flame05,

If ya hate the blighter, why are ya so set on bein' kind?! Tell 'im this, love:

"Vaton!"

It means "Go away/Fuck off!" in french. Very effective, I assure ya. 'e'll get the point wiv'in seconds, and you'll have not wasted your breath on the ugly blighter.

...Or if you're still set on bein' nice to the bugg'a, then ya could just kindly and politly find 'im when 'e's not too busy, and wiv no one around, tell 'im you appreciate 'is grattiude and admiration, but you don't both 'abor the same feelings.

Or maybe it's all just an 'oax. Why're ya listenin' t' your stupid brother anyways?"

-Mrs. Lovett

"Dear Mrs. Lovett,  
Well I'm actually one to go to these...okay I lied. I don't usually read the post. I'm always too busy. Call me Midna by the way. Anyway I'm a bit depressed currently about a boy from last year. Around this time we both admited we love each other and then on the last day of school he left too early for me to give him my number. SO now here I am a year later at a new school with no way to contact him and I miss him terribly. Anyway I can possibly get to talk to him again soon or perhaps a way to get my mind off him?"  
-Midna

""Call me Midna",

Ah... at last I've come across a society girl. I knew I would eventually.

To your dilemma, why're ya stuck on one boy when you've got yourself an entirely new batch of men to drool over? If I were you, love, I'd be spendin' me free time flirtin' wiv them boys then groveling over some boy I left behind."

-Mrs. Lovett

"Mrs. Lovett,  
I am so glad to see that you have you rown collum, and im even happier that you decided to get a second job rather than Sweeney (but shame on him for making you work when you already work 100 times harder than he does. I bet he didnt even offer to get another job...)And sadly, yes, i do have a wee question, well, not wee. anyway, here it is: There is this boy (as your used to hearing about) that is dearly in love with me and tries very hard to make me see that he would take care of me and not hurt me, but i just dont think i can commit nor love him the way he loves me. I love him, dont get me wrong, id do anything to keep him out of harms way but he wants more. We have been going out for...a while now and we havent even kissed or anything. I keep blocking him or moving on purpose. I feel fine with hugs and what not and im definitly not uncomfortable around him, but i cant love him the way he wants me to. (i guess you and him are in the same boat huh?) What can i tell him, or what should i do. I HATE hurting people, well people that truly care about me, and im not very verbal when it comes to things like this. So what should i do? If you could help me in any way i would be forever in your debt. No one has been able to help me thus far;[ Please answer soon."  
-Poorthing

"Poorthing,

Oh, thank ya, deary. I appreciate your enf'usiasm for me, love. I entirely agree wiv ya 'bout Mr. T. 'e rarely ever lifts a damn finger and expects me t' do 'is dirty work. Oh! 'e sure knows 'ow t' irritate me.

And yea, me and your half-hunny are in the same boat, sure. I 'ad the same problem wiv me ol' Albert, rest 'is soul. I came to love 'im over the years, as a brother. At first, I couldn't think of any way to beak it to 'im wiv'out bein' an arse. But as the years went by (wiv'out me bearin' 'is kid, heaven's thank you) I found the right words. I'll tell ya wot I told 'im;

"I love you, Albert... but only as a brother. I do 'ope you can understand, deary. I've always 'arbored them sibling feelings for ya, I just never knew 'ow to tell ya. I know it might be a lit'le late to apologize after all this time, but I will say I'm sorry for never tellin' ya befo'e it got this far, and I got your hopes up so high."

And ya know wot 'e did? 'e took it like a man, and let me be. We stayed married (obviously) and stayed close friends, but not romantically.

I sure 'ope this 'elps, deary. I wouldn't want ya t' screw things up wiv your friend."

-Mrs. Lovett

"Dear Mrs. Lovett  
I've gotten caught up in a baking competition and I really want to beat this snotty little brat who's always bragging about her sugar cookies. My sister says to make apple pie but no matter how hard I try my pie crusts always come out horribly. Any suggestions?"

-B. Pharrot

"B. Pharrot,

Oh my stars, 'ave I been in that very condition meself many times! I always entered me delicate blueberry pies, but could never beat Mrs. Mooney's blasted oatmeal raisin cookies. Blew me t' shame ev'ry year...

Over the years, I've learned a few tricks wiv me pie crusts.

1)Make sure you only coat the fat wiv flour, don't mix 'em.

2)Less is bet'a than more; cold is bet'a than warm.

3)The fast'a ya mix the cold ingredients and the less ya work it, the bet'a.

4)My special recipe requires but'a, not shortening. It also uses an egg and a teaspoon o' vinegar, which makes a quite tasty crust.

5)But'a makes for a tasty dough; shortenin' makes for a very flaky dough. A combination is always good.

One last essential technique: ALWAYS CHILL YOUR FAT AND WATER.

I sure do 'ope ya win, darling. It would put me t' shame if me own advice at bakin' couldn't 'elp ya."

-Mrs. Lovett

Dearies,

If ya ev'a need someone t' vent to, or t' ask those annoyin' lit'le questions to, you've come t' the right place.

Mrs. Lovett is 'ere t' 'elp.

3

..................................................................................................

**Author's Notes**

**-Ravencaller and SweeneyToddRocksMySocks,**

**Both your reviews were a lot alike lol. It was kinda funny :P**

**-NelliethePieAngel**

**You don't even know how many times I've been in your situation lol. It's crazy how much I can relate :P**

**-Flame05**

**Seriously, why would you even listen to your brother? I would just let it go until you had actual proof that the guy likes you, just so you don't make a fool of yourself :P**

**-MidnaLovesLinktotheendoftime**

**My actual advice to you:**

**See if any of your old friends knew his number, or maybe even google your old school. Sometimes they have a student phonebook on the school website.**

**-lilNellBell**

**I think it's awful nice of you to still keep going out with the guy, even though you don't fell the same way about him, trying not to hurt his feelings. But you do know you've dug yourself a pretty deep hole now that you let your relationship grow without letting him go. I hope everything works out for the best, though.**

**(that just rhymed lol)**

**-Bob Pharrot**

**I just wanted you to know, that everything I wrote about the pie crusts is true lol. I searched online for the perfect pie crust, and found a lot of tips. And if you're really in a baking competition, I hope you win! Lol Good luck! :D **


End file.
